Sunday, 12 October 2014

This is me.

So, for yet another time in my life, I have hit rock-bottom. Not surprising since I have just had my divorce through, found out The Ex is engaged and now also has a baby on the way!
Things got so bad that my depression pinged and the kids have been staying with their dad (well more like his parents!) since last Thursday night when I fell apart. They are going to keep the kids with them until Thursday and I am so so grateful - flowers, choccies and beers will def be sent as a huge thank you!!

So now, I have finally got my butt out of bed and washed and dressed, I have decided that it is time to take a long hard look at myself; who am I? What do I want / need? etc. I think usually I start making these elaborate 'Plans' of what I'm going to do next and focus on next, without ever bothering to take a look at the starting point! Usually, my plans start really well, but then run out of steam pretty soon, (usually because I get ill again!) Maybe I expect too much of myself, and set unrealistic goals? Maybe I think of too many 'projects' and things I want to sort and change, giving me too much to cope with? Whatever the reason, I am now ready to face who I am. I'm also scared and a bit emotional (thanks depression!!) at what I think I am now!

Ok, no more putting it off....

This is me:

I am 32. I've not got a problem with age, thankfully! It's just a number. You know the old saying  'you're as old as you feel' well I can actually make that a bad thing! I can often feel about my actual age on a good day, but mostly I feel like I'm 85, tired and totally worn out!

I have 2 children. I'm a mum, a SAHM. I often think I am a rubbish mum. I don't have the energy or patience I want to have and think I need in order to be a good mum. I love my kids and they mean the world to me, but  I need a break from them from time to time. This is the first real break I've had from my kids in term time, ever. I do my best, but it's not good enough at the moment, I always want to do more. My Little Man is still dealing with his dad leaving our home, but he's getting there. My Little Miss is finding her independence and just has so much energy that I can't keep up! I know I am blessed to have them, having suffered a miscarriage, but I feel like I'm letting them down at the moment.

I live with my parents. I am so blessed and grateful to have my amazing parents here, supporting me. My mum is amazing, especially by helping with the kids, but she too has reached breaking point. This break from the kids will benefit all of us really! Also, it will allow the guilt of putting even more pressure on my poor mum, where she has to do what I can't, to have a break too! Living at home is brilliant, but I often feel like I'm not a 'real mum' as I don't run the house, or make the decisions, for example, buying groceries or what we are going to have for dinner - all those little annoying things that 'normal' mums do, I don't. I think I've sat back and accepted that my mum makes the decisions - she does like to be in control of things, so I let her and just go with the flow. I want to have more of a say, to help out more and do more. In time I think I will.

I have some serious problems. Depression - it has been coming along and kicking me off balance now for the past 15 years and I hate it! I hate how every time I seem to finally be getting better something will happen and back my depression drags me, right back to the bottom of the spiral. Back into the darkness, where I have to claw my way up the slippery slope, back towards the light and a happier place. It is exhausting living in this cycle! A lot of the time, I just think, 'why bother, why not end it now?' but I'm too much of a coward to listen to that negative voice and actually act on it - thank God!
Self-harming. I have been attacking my skin since I was about 12 years old, when I got bullied. It is routine, it happens daily and can escalate when I'm doing really bad. It happens more when I'm stressed. I think it might be a bit of ocd, as any imperfection I see on my skin - spot, mark, pimple has to go. A doctor told me once that he thought I had something called 'dermatitis atrefacta' but it never really went anywhere. I can't stop it, I've tried. At the moment, I attack my chest, face and left arm, but occasionally my legs too. It sucks, as I know that each time I pick my skin, I am re-infecting it and so the cycle keeps going!

I am over weight. I hate this, but I have started to work on it. Since The Ex left, I have lost about 3 stone in weight (mostly due to stress!) I have tried to improve my diet and exercise more (eating better, cutting out diet pepsi, started kickboxing), but at the moment, I am emotionally eating and have become a couch potato!

I am unemployed and on benefits. I hate this so so much! I want to be able to provide for my family myself, but my health prevents me. I hate knowing that if only I was better now, then my new life could finally begin! I want to work so badly and I would do anything, absolutely any job, as long as it gave me a chance to earn 'my own' money, I would do it! But then I think, who would want to employ me, when there are hundreds of healthy, fit, reliable people out there also looking for a job? I desperately want to do something to help others - like voluntary work, but I'm scared. I'm scared that no one will want me. I'm scared of having any responsibility at all, in case I let them down.

I think I'm lonely. I am blessed with amazing friends and family, but since The Ex left me, there has been a hole in my heart. An ache that comes from losing who I thought was the love of my life. He's been part of my whole adult life, we had been together since I was 17 and he was my first real boyfriend! So I think lonely and heartbroken pretty much suit my situation!

Ok, it's not all doom and gloom! I do have a couple of things I do like about myself ;-)

 I have cool eyes that change colour dramatically. Depending on my mood or what I'm wearing, my eyes change from bright blue, to greeny-blue to bluey-grey. Most of the time, I have a bluey-green colour, but very happy me is bright blue and the total opposite is bluey-grey! Thankfully, I don't often have bluey-grey coloured eyes!

I believe in God and am a Christian. I love Jesus and am trying to live my life in a way that reflects my beliefs. I am very early in my Christian journey, but for the first time in such a long time, knowing that God loves me and protects me, has made me a little less afraid of the world! I pray every night, and have a long list of friends and family who I ask God to give an extra special blessing to - it grows continually ;-) I go to Church as often as I can, usually when I am well enough to wake up early enough to make it! I am working towards my Confirmation in November and I am so excited! I have been reading the Bible and learning lots of new things, but I want to have a bigger Christian life than just reading and praying! I want to join the Christian community and help others and learn more about being a Christian!

I want to help others. I know there are many in this world who are in need, that I have more things than most; a home, food, clothes, family, friends so lots to be grateful for! Being on benefits, I feel morally wrong spending 'other people's' money on charities, even though I feel they deserve it! I have limited myself to putting spare change in charity boxes and spending £8 a year supporting the British Red Cross.
I also try to help by donating to charity shops. Every time we tidy and sort a room in the house, unwanted things are bagged and donated to one of the charity shops in town. The only things that are kept to sell are big items that belong to my mum! I'm not one for trying to squeeze every last penny out of my unwanted things, by selling them on Ebay or Facebook. If I don't want it and it can be of use to someone, then off to charity it goes!
Finally I am a big believer in trying to help change things in the world. I know I can't make a big difference, but if by signing my name to a petition I feel strongly about, or sending a letter to my local MP helps someone in the world, then sign away I do! I have a number of sites that I get sent petitions from Avaaz, Care2, SumOfUs and 38 Degrees. I can't believe some of the shocking things I have seen happening around the word! I hope that by signing and sharing these causes with others, then changes can start to happen and the lives of others get better!

I keep trying to improve myself. I read lots of amazing bloggs and follow lots of inspirational people on Pinterest and Facebook to learn new crafts, or parenting tips, or positive thinking! I google all kinds of things, but mostly methods to help me be a better mum. I have pages and pages on Pinterest of all the things I want to do - crafts, activities for my kids, places I want to visit, recipes I want to cook. I have my Day Zero Project to keep me going and trying new things. I may get knocked down for a bit, but I keep trying to get better, I haven't yet given up!

I think I am feeling a bit better since I began writing this post! I know I have some difficult things going on in my life at the moment, but there are also plenty of positives!

To summarise my dreadful waffle (sorry about that!)

I'm a 32 year old, stay at home mum of 2 children, who lives with her parents. I have severe depression and self harm, this makes it hard for me to work and so I'm unemployed and live off benefits. I have just come out of a relationship, so I'm feeling lonely and a bit heartbroken. I have hit rock bottom, but there are still things to be positive about! I am a Christian, who likes to help others and I have funky eyes that change colour ;-) I have more than most and just want to get better so I can earn my own money to support my family. I have a lot to give if I am brave enough to try, and I know that I will always keep trying to improve my life and others!

This is where I will be looking back to in 6 months time to see what has changed - hopefully quite a lot!

Thursday, 2 October 2014

Paying-it-forward challenge complete!

I have been trying to get back on track with my Day Zero Projects, which have been sadly neglected for a while!
So, this week, I got on with my challenge of sending 5 (I only had 3 agree to join the fun!) people a random gift sometime before the end of the year.

One was a friend, Clare, who I saw a couple of weekends back. She and her new partner are expecting a baby, and arguing over possible names! So, I offered to get her a baby names book, which I popped in the posted this week. I know, technically not a surprise, but something useful all the same ;-)

The next was a girl I worked with as a waitress, Charlote. I had no idea what to get her! Then I got thinking about her facebook page, and all the posts where she looks so beautiful (as she does!) so I decided to get her a £10 Boots voucher. Then she could treat herself to something!

Finally, the lovely Jen over at Jennifer's Little World, agreed to be my third person. I LOVE following her blog and all the crafting she does! So I wondered if there was something I could get her to do with crafting - I looked over her posts for ideas and even through her Day Zero Project list, for some clue. I decided in the end, that I was so worried I would send something she already had, that a £10 Amazon voucher would allow her to choose something she actually wants or needs!

Now I hope that they continue the challenge and send their gifts on to 5 other people :-)

I am now officially divorced.

When I think back over the last year, these were words that I thought I would be really happy to see in black and white, but that's not the case. I thought that I would be having a 'New Beginnings Party' with some of my friends, celebrating the end of one chapter and the start of a new one, but I haven't.
I have actually taken the news quite badly! Which has taken me completely by surprise!
But is it surprising that I am low and sad, when you think of the fact the The Ex was my first ever real boyfriend? That we had been friends since I was 9 years old and finally progressed to in a relationship when I reached 17. That after our 4 year engagement, (which started on my 18th birthday) we made it to 9 years of marriage - so a grand total of 14 years together! That he really hurt me when he left and started up a relationship with a friend of ours! That he didn't even wait to be divorced before he got engaged to his latest girlfriend!
Hmmm... when you look over the last year, I think I'm entitled to a few weeks of feeling like crap! I never really had many tears when he first left - I had 2 kids to look after (with a heap of help from my family) plus a massive crisis in my depression to get over at the same time. I guess I buried every feeling, put on my brave 'it's all ok' face and carried on.
Happily, it's not all doom and gloom, I genuinely have no ill will towards The Ex and am extremely happy for him! His family and I have recently mended our relationship and I am so touched that they will always see me as family, no matter what!
I guess I just feel a little lonely now. I would love to have a special someone to talk to. Someone to give me hugs and kisses and tell me that everything is going to be ok. Someone to go on dates with and have a bit of fun with! My new soul mate. I know that he is out there somewhere, but that I'm not quite ready for any of that yet.
I'm going to focus on getting me better (I'm already doing sooo much better than this time last year!) being the best mum and daughter I can be and finally continuing to help sort out our home - massive progress made already!
At least, I'll continue to do that, when I find where my 'get up and go, has got up and gone to' ;-)


Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Dear Little Man

Dear Little Man,
I cannot believe it, but you turned 5 yesterday! I don't know where that year has gone!


You opened your pressies after I finally managed to get you out of bed! I thought you would have run down the stairs like on Christmas day! Sienna had fun trying to help you open your pressies, even though you didn't really want help!
After school you and 10 of your friends went to an amazing bowling party, followed by food and this amazing cake:
made by my friend Wendy and her sister!
Auntie Charlotte, Uncles Chris, Owen, Grannie, Daddy and Nanny all came along too to help me! Plus some lovely mummies and daddies stayed and played too!
I think you had a great day; you were extremely excited, especially as one of your friends came home with us after school, so that we could take him to the party! You both loved sitting in the back of the car in the seat in the 'boot' on the way to the party!
You got loads of dinosaur themed pressies - your absolute favourite at the moment!
You now have another party on Saturday with daddy - you lucky thing!

I just have to share some of my favourite piccies from the last year!











 These show:
 'flying' on the trampoline, your first day in Reception Class (Fir, Turquoise group with Mrs S as your teacher), with Skye and Sienna's Christening, snuggles in bed, making smoothies for your homework, dressing up, silly faces, movie night, happy on the trampoline, with Uncle Chris on our visit to Wellington Country Park (a place you now LOVE!) fun on the trampoline with Auntie Charlotte on her Tuesday visits, Sports Day (Mrs S helping you!) and our first water fight in the garden :-)

It hasn't been the easiest of years for you, what with daddy leaving, me being really poorly and getting used to full school days, but you have done so so well, and I am so proud of the Little Man you have become! You try really hard with your all your work at school; your reading and writing has improved sooo much over the year, your colouring and drawing too! Numbers are still what you find easiest. Your teachers are really proud of you too!
You've made some lovely friends at school  and have already been to 3 birthday parties this summer, with another yet to go.

As I said before, you love dinosaurs, but also cars and playing games with Grandad. I love making marble runs with you in the living room and now thanks to Grannie and Grandad buying you an extra set, we can make the biggest run ever!

Now, as you've just gone to bed on the last day of term, we have the whole summer holiday to look forward to! Already planned are trips to Bucklebury Farm Park, Marwell Zoo, The Natural History Museum on London (to see the dinosaurs!) a 2 week holiday with me, Grannie, Grandad and Sienna in Wales, plus loads of trips to the Lakes, parks, etc. You're also going for your first proper swimming lessons - which I hope you'll really enjoy! Theme days, arty stuff, making, baking, exploring, play days with your friends and just relaxing are also in store!

I love you now and always,
Mummy
xxx





Saturday, 19 July 2014

Lots of things going on!

Oooh it's been a while again!
What with trying to sort my little life out with cleaning schedules, looking after my babies and then getting an awful tummy bug, I have managed to completely neglect my poor little blog!

There are so many things that have been going on lately!
At this precise moment, my kids are meeting their dads new girlfriend. I am praying that things will go ok and I won't get an evil monster come home tonight, because he's not happy. I am totally fine with all of this, which never ceases to amaze me! I'm actually happy that he's found 'THE ONE' which she apparently is, though they've only been together a couple of months at most. Unfortunately, The Ex told Little Man all about her a few weeks back, without me knowing anything about it! It is the first time in soooo long that I was actually livid! Poor Little Man was not ready for such a bomb shell to be dropped, without warning! So I actually screamed down the phone at The Ex! Not my finest moment, but I have been picking up the pieces from all the things that The Ex has done, and I got a load of backlash that I hadn't been prepared for! Any who, damage done, so I thought there was no point in holding off on things any longer. The new girlfriend wanted to have their first meeting at Little Man's birthday party at his dad's next weekend. I decided that it would be rather unfair to have his birthday overshadowed by such a big thing, so they are meeting today instead.

I have started to FLY again! If you don't know who the FLYlady is, you HAVE to check her out! I have started to try and get 2 routines sorted - morning and evening. After that, I've got some little cleaning routines started, but not got too far yet! I'm still working on getting together my control journal. I feel so much happier when I look around the house and don't see dirt and mess everywhere! Don't get me wrong, I still have very very long way to go before I'll have sorted out all of the house, but baby steps in the right direction sure do help!

I've finally started my latest therapy 'mentalisation'. It's my first group therapy and I'm already learning lots of things. I'm actually really happy that it's a group thing this time. Sharing experiences and learning from each other has been really good.

I'm trying another new thing with Little Man to try and help him with his frustrations and anger:

Not the best picture, but I felt really proud that I did all the pictures myself - I still need to work on some of my drawing skills, but it's a start!
I found the Wheel of Choice on one of my many, many trawls through bloggs and google searches, in an attempt to learn something to help me help my Little Man. I know most of the reasons for his bad behaviour are his age and that he's tired, but as his mum, I feel that I have to do whatever I can to help him. I think in a lot of ways I feel responsible for how he behaves. I feel that it's my fault if he's not managing his feelings very well, as I haven't taught him the right skills yet. I'm hoping that this might work! If not, then back to the drawing board ;-)

Well, that about sums it up for now!
Not going to leave it too long before my next entry!

Thursday, 5 June 2014

Painting project - complete!

FINALLY! Little Miss has finally got her own bedroom!
Over half term, mum and I spent a few exhausting days (and nights) clearing, cleaning and decorating her little bedroom. I actually really enjoyed the process and have decided that painting is quite relaxing! I was on 'brush' duties - corners, edges and other bits and mum was on the roller. Unfortunately, we didn't realise how uneven the walls were, so I have to keep going round and touching up the gaps, but it looked soooo much better when we finally finished :-)

Here are a few piccies to show the progress:

BEFORE:











As you can see, it was quite a dump!
We the cleared and cleaned and got ready to paint.



All ready to paint!
We had a few mishaps! Mum managed to knock off her tray of white paint (that we used as first 2 coats) Luckily we had some old sheets down on the carpet! Unluckily, I managed to tread in the paint, resulting in lovely white feet, heehee!


I love the colour we picked out! It is just so fresh and girlie! It really helped to brighten up what was quite a dark room (it used to belong to my older brother, before he moved into his own place) 



It was a bit of a rush to get the furniture back in before Little Miss and Little Man got back from their dads, so I didn't quite finish on my own. Little man helped to place all of the finishing touches, and his dad helped me move the cot and hang a large picture on the wall. 
Very pleased with the end results:

AFTER: 
















Both Little Man and Little Miss seemed to love the end results too!
Now, Little Man is working towards getting his own bedroom decorated, as I think he's a little jealous, bless him! He has to earn stars for being good at bedtime - something that can be very hit and miss! So far, he has earned a star for every night since he's been home, so it seems to be working as a great incentive for good behaviour ;-)
He has decided that he wants to have a rainbow, with sun, moon, stars, rain clouds, and probably a load more things that I can't remember! I have decided to enlist the help of one or a few of my arty friends to paint a mural on the largest wall in his room, as I don't think my skills would stretch that far, heehee!
Little Miss has been brilliant sleeping in her new bedroom, so YAY for that!
Oooh, that's also another 'Day Zero Project' completed, so double YAY! :-D

Sunday, 25 May 2014

What is wrong with me?!?

I 'm feeling so disappointed with myself!
I have got a whole week, kiddie free (they're spending half term with their dad, on holiday) and so far, I have done NOTHING!
Why, why WHY!?!
What is wrong with me?
I have all of these big projects that need doing and even some little ones, but as yet, my motivation has not appeared! I am totally ashamed of myself!
What is it going to take to get me off my big butt and into action?
I must be the world's most lazy and selfish person, ever!
I have got to get my self together, I have been so excited about these projects - especially sorting out Little Misses bedroom, so what is stopping me?
I am amazing at making all of the lists and getting things for the projects, so why can't I just get on with it? I mean, I am writing this as another form of 'avoidance' - bad me, bad, bad, bad!
Ok, I can do this! I am going to get off my lazy bum and do something, anything! As long as it involves not sitting on the sofa watching the telly, or 'killing time' on my laptop!
Move it, move it MOVE IT!!!