Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Dear Little Man

Dear Little Man,
I cannot believe it, but you turned 5 yesterday! I don't know where that year has gone!

You opened your pressies after I finally managed to get you out of bed! I thought you would have run down the stairs like on Christmas day! Sienna had fun trying to help you open your pressies, even though you didn't really want help!
After school you and 10 of your friends went to an amazing bowling party, followed by food and this amazing cake:
made by my friend Wendy and her sister!
Auntie Charlotte, Uncles Chris, Owen, Grannie, Daddy and Nanny all came along too to help me! Plus some lovely mummies and daddies stayed and played too!
I think you had a great day; you were extremely excited, especially as one of your friends came home with us after school, so that we could take him to the party! You both loved sitting in the back of the car in the seat in the 'boot' on the way to the party!
You got loads of dinosaur themed pressies - your absolute favourite at the moment!
You now have another party on Saturday with daddy - you lucky thing!

I just have to share some of my favourite piccies from the last year!

 These show:
 'flying' on the trampoline, your first day in Reception Class (Fir, Turquoise group with Mrs S as your teacher), with Skye and Sienna's Christening, snuggles in bed, making smoothies for your homework, dressing up, silly faces, movie night, happy on the trampoline, with Uncle Chris on our visit to Wellington Country Park (a place you now LOVE!) fun on the trampoline with Auntie Charlotte on her Tuesday visits, Sports Day (Mrs S helping you!) and our first water fight in the garden :-)

It hasn't been the easiest of years for you, what with daddy leaving, me being really poorly and getting used to full school days, but you have done so so well, and I am so proud of the Little Man you have become! You try really hard with your all your work at school; your reading and writing has improved sooo much over the year, your colouring and drawing too! Numbers are still what you find easiest. Your teachers are really proud of you too!
You've made some lovely friends at school  and have already been to 3 birthday parties this summer, with another yet to go.

As I said before, you love dinosaurs, but also cars and playing games with Grandad. I love making marble runs with you in the living room and now thanks to Grannie and Grandad buying you an extra set, we can make the biggest run ever!

Now, as you've just gone to bed on the last day of term, we have the whole summer holiday to look forward to! Already planned are trips to Bucklebury Farm Park, Marwell Zoo, The Natural History Museum on London (to see the dinosaurs!) a 2 week holiday with me, Grannie, Grandad and Sienna in Wales, plus loads of trips to the Lakes, parks, etc. You're also going for your first proper swimming lessons - which I hope you'll really enjoy! Theme days, arty stuff, making, baking, exploring, play days with your friends and just relaxing are also in store!

I love you now and always,

Saturday, 19 July 2014

Lots of things going on!

Oooh it's been a while again!
What with trying to sort my little life out with cleaning schedules, looking after my babies and then getting an awful tummy bug, I have managed to completely neglect my poor little blog!

There are so many things that have been going on lately!
At this precise moment, my kids are meeting their dads new girlfriend. I am praying that things will go ok and I won't get an evil monster come home tonight, because he's not happy. I am totally fine with all of this, which never ceases to amaze me! I'm actually happy that he's found 'THE ONE' which she apparently is, though they've only been together a couple of months at most. Unfortunately, The Ex told Little Man all about her a few weeks back, without me knowing anything about it! It is the first time in soooo long that I was actually livid! Poor Little Man was not ready for such a bomb shell to be dropped, without warning! So I actually screamed down the phone at The Ex! Not my finest moment, but I have been picking up the pieces from all the things that The Ex has done, and I got a load of backlash that I hadn't been prepared for! Any who, damage done, so I thought there was no point in holding off on things any longer. The new girlfriend wanted to have their first meeting at Little Man's birthday party at his dad's next weekend. I decided that it would be rather unfair to have his birthday overshadowed by such a big thing, so they are meeting today instead.

I have started to FLY again! If you don't know who the FLYlady is, you HAVE to check her out! I have started to try and get 2 routines sorted - morning and evening. After that, I've got some little cleaning routines started, but not got too far yet! I'm still working on getting together my control journal. I feel so much happier when I look around the house and don't see dirt and mess everywhere! Don't get me wrong, I still have very very long way to go before I'll have sorted out all of the house, but baby steps in the right direction sure do help!

I've finally started my latest therapy 'mentalisation'. It's my first group therapy and I'm already learning lots of things. I'm actually really happy that it's a group thing this time. Sharing experiences and learning from each other has been really good.

I'm trying another new thing with Little Man to try and help him with his frustrations and anger:

Not the best picture, but I felt really proud that I did all the pictures myself - I still need to work on some of my drawing skills, but it's a start!
I found the Wheel of Choice on one of my many, many trawls through bloggs and google searches, in an attempt to learn something to help me help my Little Man. I know most of the reasons for his bad behaviour are his age and that he's tired, but as his mum, I feel that I have to do whatever I can to help him. I think in a lot of ways I feel responsible for how he behaves. I feel that it's my fault if he's not managing his feelings very well, as I haven't taught him the right skills yet. I'm hoping that this might work! If not, then back to the drawing board ;-)

Well, that about sums it up for now!
Not going to leave it too long before my next entry!

Thursday, 5 June 2014

Painting project - complete!

FINALLY! Little Miss has finally got her own bedroom!
Over half term, mum and I spent a few exhausting days (and nights) clearing, cleaning and decorating her little bedroom. I actually really enjoyed the process and have decided that painting is quite relaxing! I was on 'brush' duties - corners, edges and other bits and mum was on the roller. Unfortunately, we didn't realise how uneven the walls were, so I have to keep going round and touching up the gaps, but it looked soooo much better when we finally finished :-)

Here are a few piccies to show the progress:


As you can see, it was quite a dump!
We the cleared and cleaned and got ready to paint.

All ready to paint!
We had a few mishaps! Mum managed to knock off her tray of white paint (that we used as first 2 coats) Luckily we had some old sheets down on the carpet! Unluckily, I managed to tread in the paint, resulting in lovely white feet, heehee!

I love the colour we picked out! It is just so fresh and girlie! It really helped to brighten up what was quite a dark room (it used to belong to my older brother, before he moved into his own place) 

It was a bit of a rush to get the furniture back in before Little Miss and Little Man got back from their dads, so I didn't quite finish on my own. Little man helped to place all of the finishing touches, and his dad helped me move the cot and hang a large picture on the wall. 
Very pleased with the end results:


Both Little Man and Little Miss seemed to love the end results too!
Now, Little Man is working towards getting his own bedroom decorated, as I think he's a little jealous, bless him! He has to earn stars for being good at bedtime - something that can be very hit and miss! So far, he has earned a star for every night since he's been home, so it seems to be working as a great incentive for good behaviour ;-)
He has decided that he wants to have a rainbow, with sun, moon, stars, rain clouds, and probably a load more things that I can't remember! I have decided to enlist the help of one or a few of my arty friends to paint a mural on the largest wall in his room, as I don't think my skills would stretch that far, heehee!
Little Miss has been brilliant sleeping in her new bedroom, so YAY for that!
Oooh, that's also another 'Day Zero Project' completed, so double YAY! :-D

Sunday, 25 May 2014

What is wrong with me?!?

I 'm feeling so disappointed with myself!
I have got a whole week, kiddie free (they're spending half term with their dad, on holiday) and so far, I have done NOTHING!
Why, why WHY!?!
What is wrong with me?
I have all of these big projects that need doing and even some little ones, but as yet, my motivation has not appeared! I am totally ashamed of myself!
What is it going to take to get me off my big butt and into action?
I must be the world's most lazy and selfish person, ever!
I have got to get my self together, I have been so excited about these projects - especially sorting out Little Misses bedroom, so what is stopping me?
I am amazing at making all of the lists and getting things for the projects, so why can't I just get on with it? I mean, I am writing this as another form of 'avoidance' - bad me, bad, bad, bad!
Ok, I can do this! I am going to get off my lazy bum and do something, anything! As long as it involves not sitting on the sofa watching the telly, or 'killing time' on my laptop!
Move it, move it MOVE IT!!!

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Another day zero project completed

Yesterday, I decided that we were going to do our 'Tie a message to a balloon and let it go' challenge, though it didn't go quite as planned ;-)
To start with, I forgot that it could jut be a note, so we did wishes instead! Plus, my mum had the genius idea of putting out wishes inside the balloons, so then they stay waterproof, so we did that too!

 Little Man and I had to chose a wish for Little Miss. He had some great suggestions like 'have a strawberry' but I think the final, 'have a finished bedroom' was a winner in the end - no hidden agenda of course ;-)

Here we all are, ready with Auntie Charlotte, to release our wishes
 Then, to our dismay, they all dropped like they were full of lead! I don't think it was windy enough, so I was going to save them for a windier day. However, Little Man thought as one of them popped, he would help ensure that the rest of them popped too! I found all our folded up wishes and took them inside for another day. Then I had a weird conversation with my mum who said that some big company had been intending to release loads of balloons in celebration of some achievement / anniversary and had put it off after an environment group emailed them explaining the damage it would cause to birds and wildlife! I had never even considered the impact of burst balloons ending up in water ways or worse being eaten by an animal or bird that then choked on it! So I had another think! I decided that a good alternative would be to burn them! That way, minimum damage to environment - as the fire would be teeny!
Well, half a box of matches later, I finally managed to light our 4 wishes! Then we watched them float away in the smoke, hoping that one day they might come true :-)

Friday, 2 May 2014

H is for Heartbroken

So, today has not been a great day.
The weather outside is dark and overcast and my mood has reflected this! I have been mooching around in my jammies, ever since I got up (I have no idea what time that was) and I've just been in this 'fug' ever since!
I can't really concentrate and have been blubbing on and off ever since Little Miss went off with her dad for the night. I've been looking at the TV shows and not really knowing what's going on, not really taking anything in. I've read all of my e-mails and been pinning loads of things onto Pinterest for about an hour now, but I don't think I could actually recall what I pinned!
I gave up on watching TV shows and put on some background music and it was when they suddenly switched to love songs (again, no idea what was playing before!) that it suddenly hit me! I was sat listening to Richard Marx sing 'Right here Waiting' - it was Our Song, and it just made me cry even more! That was when I finally worked out, the reason that everything was going rubbish and I have been crying on and off for no reason, is that I'm heartbroken!
My ex came and spent some time with our kids, here, in my house, yesterday, because it was his birthday. I now realise that this was a huge mistake. I should never have let that happen. I should have insisted that he took the kids out, or to his place. Having him, here, as if nothing had ever happened, laughing and joking around has just made me realise that I miss that. I miss having someone to share my life with. I miss having someone who loves me and my kids above all else. I realised how alone I have been feeling lately. I feel as if there is no hope of me ever finding anyone who will love me, as I am mentally ill, and who would want to see past that and get to know me, the real me? I feel hollow and empty. I guess this is what happens when you break up with your first ever love. Because that's what he was. He was my first real boyfriend and now he's gone. He's gone and my heart is shattered.

Saturday, 26 April 2014

M is for me time!

I am having the BEST weekend so far!
Mum left yesterday afternoon to spend the weekend with some friends. The kids are spending the WHOLE weekend (well until 2.30 on Sunday) with their dad. So it's just me and my dad for the weekend!
I know it must sound awful, but I'm really enjoying having a bit of space and real time to myself! I have done loads of things on the Internet (mainly blogging and pinterest, heehee!), caught up on TV programmes I have recorded and just vegged on the sofa! Last night I had the extra bonus of a lovely long bubble bath before bed. Uninterrupted, as long as I wanted, it was bliss!
I got up at 11 this morning - bad I know! But for once, I didn't wake up feeling guilty that mum had been looking after the kids whilst I had been asleep! I'm on the road to recovery now with this latest depression 'melt-down', but I still feel guilty when I don't do everything I think I should be - especially when it comes to looking after my kids! I am feeling proud though, as I managed to do 3 out of the 4 morning school runs this week! I haven't managed that for ages, and it's made me feel so much better, plus taken pressure off of mum! (a big 'yay me' moment I think, heehee!)
I think that this is the first weekend since husband left me back in November, that I have not had the kids, or the guilt of being away and mum looking after them! I'm loving it!
I even made pancakes for our brunch this morning! I decided that me and dad deserved to have a treat, as everyone else is off having fun for the weekend! They were probably the best I've made to date, as I managed to cook them all without burning any, heehee! They were just yummy!
Here's hoping you're having a good weekend too!