Sunday, 27 November 2011

It's time to speak up!

I just read a fantastic post from all about her experiences with depression (and of course the recent tragedy in sport today, rip Gary Speed).
She most some really good points about how little depression is talked about - it's almost a 'taboo' to say 'I have depression'.
This got me thinking, why is this? People always seem more able to support and empathise with sufferers of illnesses like cancer, diabetes, etc. Why is depression seen so differently?

My first boss (head teacher) and the deputy seemed hell-bent on getting rid of me from the minute I got my depression back (first year of teaching). She didn't seem to have any idea of how best to 'deal' with me. I shall never forget her first words when I told her I had relapsed and was back on medication 'did you mention that when you applied for the job?' implying very clearly that her thoughts ran to, 'had I known this I would never have hired you'.
To help me further, she took me down capability proceedings, due to my long absence in the first year of teaching. I was told that if I had one day of sickness in 4 months (of my 2nd years in teaching), I would be out.
Looking back it makes me furious to think that I was treated like that! It was as if they were doing their level best to get rid of me and showed no support or understanding at all. I've also learned that loads of people who have long term sickness, for way longer than me don't get taken down capability proceedings!!

Thankfully, they both left and the following head teacher and my new boss now in my new career (left teaching, best thing I ever did!!) are so much more understating and help me!

The past year for me has been really bad. My depression spiralled, my self harming escalated and I was contemplating suicide.  Now, with the help of psychology and my amazing family and friends I am finally getting back to being 'me'.

We need to stop feeling ashamed for having depressions, keeping it hidden as our 'dirty little secret'. It is a terrible illness and the more people who share their experiences the better it will be. People need to be educated, sop that fellow sufferers don't get the whole 'get over it / suck it up / etc' thrown in their face when seeking help,or reaching out to others.

So, to all you fellow sufferers / friends of or family member to a sufferer / fortunate to not be connected with the illness at all:
My name is Mel, I've struggled with depression for 12 years and will continue to for the rest of my life. I did nothing wrong, I didn't ask for this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, ever. I am no longer afraid to admit this.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Have had the best time!

I have just got back from one of those rare occasions since having little man - real ME time!
I went to visit his godmummy C in London and stayed the night. Only the second night I have spent away from him EVER!
C had organised a real 'girlie' day out and I wanted to have a surprise, so didn't have a clue what we were going to do - and it was BRILLIANT!
Firstly after having a gorgeous pizza in a little Italian near Oxford Circus (the only thing I was allowed to pay for!!), she took me for surprise number one. I had my first ever manicure! It was really nice to sit and be pampered for a change! She decided to get a pedicure instead as she loves having her feet massaged! I have a big thing about how horrible my feet are - unfortunately have these horrible warty things on my toe :( so was really happy that she chose a manicure for me! We went to London school of something-or-other, where because the people who do the treatments are students, they are loads cheaper! The girl who did my manicure was lovely and I managed to help her out by choosing to have my nails painted in a dark purple, which she needed to do as part of her course! C went for a gorgeous maroon / dark red!

my lovely nails!
Feeling absolutely amazing and chilled, we opted for a bit of retail therapy before heading back to her place to freshen up for the evening. I had a fab time window shopping, while C decided whether or not to spend £85 on a GORGEOUS pair of shoes she needed for a wedding she was going to. I was absolutely no help as thought they were fabulous, in the end, she chose not to have them - but we had fun all the same!

C's gorgeous toes!
In the evening, we set off for Somerset House - I had never heard of it and was really excited - couldn't wait to find out what we were going to do. We stopped to pick up supplies for a picnic on the way and ended up being a little late to meet her friend as the queue at Salisbury's snaked round the whole shop! (mind you it wasn't a huge shop - thank goodness!!)
Somerset house was hosting Film 4 events and we set up our blanket and had a lovely picnic and watched a very 'arty' Chinese film, which was brilliant!
Gorgeous setting for a picnic!

the best cinema I've ever been to!!
Unfortunately C had to leave 7.15 this morning for work, but it gave me some time to read my book and do a few jobs to help her out - even though I had had strict instructions not to do anything!
Came home to my yummy little man and hubby waiting for me at the station.
I loved my 'me' time but was also so glad to be home and get loads of cuddles and kisses from my two men!
Having a minor problem with my posts!! This happened in August - no idea how i managed to move it here!! woops!!

Thursday, 24 November 2011


After a horrible night of hardly any sleep, followed by way too much sleep during the day, I had an epiphany moment whilst having my shower!!

I realized that the reason I was still not completely happy, was that I lack a 'real' purpose in life, or the motivation to do anything!
I have therefore hit on the idea of making a company to sell my crafty things and split the profit with 2 charities!

I am so happy, as I will now be doing what I love most (crafting) and because it's not just going to help me, I will have the motivation to get off my arse and get making!!!

Just had to share my WOOHOO moment :)

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Things are really hard at the moment

Depression has decided to bring itself back to the foreground again and has sent me sliding down that horrible spiral to the darkest bleakest pit of despair. Well, all I can say is ' Been there, done that, don't want to go that far again.'

I've been signed off work for the week in the hope that I can start to get myself back on track but everything just seems so 'big' at the moment.
I have managed to do some good things in the last few days -
shaving every inch of my body, so I no longer look like Frodo!! (as hubby calls me when I 'let myself go')
I made a card
I played with little man all morning today - but then I had to go to sleep in utter exhaustion for most of the afternoon.
I just don't understand, I really want to do things and have thoughts on what I might like to do each day, but when it comes to it, I lay on the sofa watching movies in my jammies and realise that another day has just slipped away, without me really noticing.
I know that I'm supposed to do things and not just flop in a blanket covered heap on the sofa, but I seem to have lost my 'get up and go'.
At least I managed to seek help asap this time, so it'll be a mini blip, but I have just had enough. I'm sick of how depression can take times that are starting to go OK and turn them totally tits up. I am fed up of feeling a burden to my family and having to rely on them time and time again when things get tough for me. I'm so tired of it all. I've had enough of fighting, as it seems to get harder each time.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Why does it always seem to be me?

I seem to have to worst luck at the moment.

A couple of weeks ago I had the evil chest infection, then came a virus. After that I was looking after little man who came down with his own virus :(
Then yesterday, just as everything seemed to have passed (well nearly, in the case of little man) I manage to put my back out and was in AGONY!
I missed another shift at work as was laid out on the floor wailing like a baby, in the most pain I've experienced since giving birth!!

I'm beginning to think that I am one of the unluckiest people at the moment - one thing after another!!
Or, maybe that's my 3, isn't the saying bad things always come in 3's??
Here's hoping that nothing else will happen to make me miss any more work - I'm worried that they'll get fed up of me being ill and give me the sack :(
Am crossing all my fingers, toes and everything else 'cross-able' in the hope that I will be fine tomorrow and back to work ;)

Monday, 7 November 2011

Not doing so good this week

I'm finding things really hard these last few days.
My emotions have been really hard to control and I've had another blub before going to work today.
All I want to do at the moment is sleep, my body is exhausted but my mind is restless.

I think I've either got back, or still have a chest infection, with coldy symptoms on top, am feeling very sorry for myself!

I'm going to see my therapist for the last time on Weds, as she's moving on to a different role. I'm not sure how happy I feel that I might have to see someone else, as I really trust her and have been able to tell her absolutely everything that has happened in my past. I know that they all share the info, but what if I don't like the new person??

I've also been wondering if I have that seasonal disorder SAD. I am forever getting ill in the winter time and have totally had enough of it!
I've heard about treatments to try and combat this - something about light sources, so think might go and google it in a bit.

At least I managed to get to work and do my shift - I got home just before midnight - so that's a 'yay me' moment, as I really didn't want to go!

Hopefully things will get better soon

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Hmm...not sure what's going on

So, hubby and I have decided that now I'm happy and settled in my job, it's time to start thinking about trying for baby no2!
I've tried not to get too excited and not think about it too much, as it took us 2 1/2 years before little man arrived!!
However, have been having twinges and pains in my lower tummy this week. I also burst into tears at work last night for no reason other than was feeling tired and a bit 'overwhelmed' trying to serve 19 tables!! I thought I had started 'the time of the month' but it seems to have stopped today!
I don't think I'm actually due until next week, but not sure what to think now.

Have decided that there are a few reasons why my body had gone all weird:
1) am pregnant
2) My body's gone funny as have a bad cold
3) ... actually can't think of a 3!!


I suppose the only thing to do is to stop worrying about it and wait and see - but I hate waiting, heehee!!